How?

Ok, warning this is not my usual up-beat about the boys post!  It’s going to be a long, very emotional post.  It has taken me over a week to write and it has a lot of emotion in it.  I need to post this for myself to remember and come back and read whenever, I need to post this for me to let out the sadness I feel, I need to post this for me to talk to me!  Blogging is my therapy..Hence the 30 posts a day.

Exactly 27 days ago my dad’s home phone rang (Thursday September 3rd)!  I immediately knew it was about my Granny!  I got chill bumps all over and I knew that my dad’s phone never rings and it was around 11:00 that night.  It was my Nana and Granny was in a lot of pain and thought that she had broken a rib but couldn’t move.  I immediately said we will be right there an hung up the phone.  My granny was a very independent 97 year old woman!  Her biggest fear was being put in a nursing home or not being able to live on her own!  She was a healthy individual and the first time she was EVER in the hospital was when she accidently fell getting the mail when she was 92.  92 years, 3 children and NEVER in the hospital…That within itself is amazing.  She argued with my Nana for over 30 minutes not to bother us, we were probably already in bed.  She always thought of others before her.  So my dad and I arrive at my Granny’s prepared to take her to the ER.  We try to get her standing up and she is in soo much pain that we decide to call the ambulance.  They arrive, and help us go to a small local hospital.  They complete x-rays and tell us that there is no complete break and send us back home!  How in the world we made it back in the car and got her home that night is still a mystery to my.  Well not a mystery, I know 2 things had to be for certain!  Number 1, she was in a LOT more pain than she was telling us and number 2, God was working in very mysterious ways helping her thru the pain and making it a quick trip.  This was a Thursday night/early Friday morning.  By Saturday morning, my dad knew something was really wrong, he finally convinced her to go back to the ER as she was not able to go the bathroom and we feared the worse, kidney failure!  Once in the hospital this time, they ran TONS of tests and found that she might have a perforated bowel.  They rushed her to Lubbock for emergency surgery.  No one gave her a chance to make it thru the surgery, she was 97 after all!  Well once in surgery they discovered a ulcer on her stomach that had torn it and allowed all her gastric acid to spill over her intestines.  They were able to get everything cleaned up, minus the burned outsides of her intestines and sewn back up and she made it thru.  They had a couple times where her blood pressure dropped, but nothing too bad.  We were then sent to Surgical ICU, bed 23.  Granny had a breathing tube in and tubes going every which way!  Most of our family lives in California and they were heading down because most of us knew that this would be the time.  I remember getting to see Granny after surgery that night.  She was just Granny…I look back and know that this is how I will always remember my Granny.  Not swollen, very peaceful, just Granny!  Over the next 2 days her kidneys shut down.  She began to swell to a point that she didn’t even look the same.  When my great aunt and uncle arrived them along with my Nana would decide whether to pull her breathing tube or not.  We believed that once this came out it would be the end.  We knew she wanted it out, she would get very agitated when we talked about it.  We knew what she wanted, we just weren’t prepared for the aftermath.  That night, my strong willed Granny decided to take matters into her own hands.  We all had to leave the SICU since they have special visiting hours, a cousin got special permission to come back to stay, but first we all had to get everyone to the hotel.  We ALL left and Cindy was to be back within 30 minutes and Granny knew.  She got all her vitals stable, and started using her tongue and got the thing out before we even got to the hotel.  She knew the consequences, she was very alert and could answer any yes/no question you asked her.  She could hear the doctors talking.  She knew and from that moment on, everyone in the family knew that she was ready.  We would come during our visiting hours and just talk and enjoy our time with our Granny.  We had her smiling, she loved giving us kisses, it was as if she was going to be ok, but we knew that she was ready to go.  One Tuesday night, we all told her good night and my aunt said see you in the morning.  Granny opened her eyes, looked at her and shook her head no.  She knew that she would not be back in the morning.  She knew that God was calling her, she knew that we all loved her and understood.  She was at peace.  Around 4:00 Tuesday night, early Wednesday morning she passed away.  Granny always made a presence and she left this world to be in a wonderful place on 9/9/09.  She amazed every single nurse and doctor in that SICU.  She amazed every single family member that was around..She was amazing within herself.

 

Now, here is where I get to my problems..which is somewhat selfish when I start typing it.  But hopefully this will help me to know what to do next.  I grew up in the same town as Granny.  Granny was at everything I ever in my life did!  I mean EVERYTHING.  She did not miss a single basketball game, she did not miss a single awards ceremony.  She didn’t missed anything that I did.  She was so excited when I found out I was pregnant.  She got a little sick a few months before  I was due and just kept telling me I hope I make it to see those beautiful boys.  She did, and she made herself to the hospital the day I had them and held them and loved them as any Granny would although she didn’t feel 100%.  She got upset when she found out we were going to Florida..She didn’t want us to go.  She was sure to let us know that she wasn’t going to get to see us as much.  And of course we didn’t get to be around her as much as I so desperately wished right now.  She always wanted me to come up to her house with the boys.  Once I moved back to Texas in  July my life went crazy and I we didn’t get to see her as much as I wished we could.  Friday, the day after we went to the ER all night for the first time I took the boys up there to see her.  She lit up, she had a huge smile on her face even though she was in sooo much pain.  That will be the last time my precious boys can ever play at Granny’s with her there.  How do I explain to my kids how wonderful of a person she was..How can I become at least half of the mom, granny, woman she was?  I know Granny is in an amazing place, I know that.  But I don’t know how to drive past her house (which I have to do several times a day) and not look and see if her front door is open.  I did that for MANY years, how do I stop looking to see if she is sitting in her chair.  How do I stop looking at the windows at night hoping, wishing for a light to be on??  How do I go up there and look through her stuff to see that she kept a picture I colored when a I was 5?  How do I make her special chocolate pies at Thanksgiving and Christmas that she taught me and only me?  I don’t know how to answer these questions or learn not to look in the door especially when it hurts sooo bad every time I pass by.  I pray every day that I can find peace to drive by or go up there..I desperately need peace.  I have peace of mind knowing that she is in an amazing place…I just can not find peace for myself.

The day I had the boys…

The day I left for Florida..Our 5 generations…

(I love this picture..Look at those smiles!!)

 

Back from Florida visiting…

 

The last picture I took with Granny!